Loverboy Legolas
by HighQueen
Summary: "In all fairness, you already have Arwen," Legolas pointed out. "She was written," Aragorn retorted, "by the Professor himself. We even have a section devoted to us in the Appendices! However, nowhere in any of the books is the name 'Tauriel' even mentioned, much less your scandalous and entirely inappropriate relationship with her!" Crack. Anti Legolas/Tauriel. Hobbit 2 spoilers.


_Disclaimer: I Don't own the movies or the books._

_A/N: I really refrain from writing LotR fanfiction because I think that series is perfection and I am unworthy of writing fanfiction of it. But after seeing the new trailer for Hobbit 2 I really could not restrain myself._

_Don't get me wrong, I love The Hobbit (despite the fact that it has been stretched needlessly, too much of Tolkien is never too much for me) and Peter Jackson is wonderful and I worship him and Tolkien alike. I understand the concept of creative license. _

_But as a highly betrayed and heartbroken Legolas fangirl (even as a book-reader, I admit I fall under this category), I wrote this as a catharsis of sorts. **If you have not seen the newly released Hobbit 2 trailer it will make no sense to you.** _

_Please don't take this seriously. It is CRACK. Pure crack. With lots of LotR related inside jokes and references which I'm sure you will get; however, I mean no disrespect to the movies. I adore the books, and I adore the movies as well. Lots of third-wall breaking too. And a smattering of Silmarillion references. _

_Oh. And slight Legolas/Aragorn if you squint, but I really didn't mean to write it as that. _

* * *

Legolas sighed, recognizing the insistent hammering on his door. He had already been visited by a furious Gimli, a bunch of overly curious Hobbits and even (an extremely _displeased, _to put it lightly) Professor Tolkien himself.

And the fangirls. Dozens of screaming, crying, shrieking, heartbroken fangirls.

_You're late, _he thought mentally, standing up to open the door.

Aragorn's expression was frightening as he stormed past Legolas into the room.

"Explain the meaning of all of this," he barked, his voice rougher than usual.

"I know not of what you speak," Legolas replied, keeping his voice neutral.

"Don't lie to me," Aragorn hissed. "You've been hiding her from us all this time, have you not?"

"In all fairness, you already _have _Arwen," Legolas pointed out.

"She was _written_," Aragorn retorted. "By the Professor himself. There is a difference."

"None of your sappy onscreen romance was written. Not one of those – kisses." Legolas shuddered. "And yet you seemed to have no problem with that."

"This is different! My love for Arwen has always existed!" Aragorn insisted. "The details were added, yes, but the core premise was written in the Fellowship itself. We even have a section devoted to us in the Appendices! However, nowhere in any of the books is the name 'Tauriel' even mentioned, much less your _scandalous _and entirely _inappropriate _relationship with her!"

"Technically, the name 'Legolas' is not written in the Hobbit –"

"Your father was the King of Mirkwood at the time. You know as well as I do that you fought that war –"

"Nobody had an issue with Figwit, though. He was never written – "

"Had you proclaimed your love for him, I can assure you many a person would have."

"But I _haven't _proclaimed my love for Tauriel," Legolas said, groaning. "I do not love that elf."

"Your own father's words, Legolas. He said you grew fond of her. What could that possibly imply?"

"My father knows _nothing _about my life or my feelings," Legolas shot back. "And he rides a moose… why does he ride a moose?"

"You digress." Aragorn rolled his eyes, but took a step towards Legolas, gripping his shoulders. "You're certain though? You're not – in love with her? Never had a secret relationship?"

"I swear on my bow of Galadhrim, Aragorn. We were comrades, nothing more." Legolas's bright blue eyes narrowed. "Why does it concern you so?"

"It doesn't," Aragorn replied quickly, releasing him. "From Shire to Mordor, this new trailer has upraised a ruckus. It is worse than when they replaced Glorfindel with Arwen and nearly had her fight in Helm's Deep."

"That bad?" Legolas shuddered. "There really was nothing between Tauriel and I. Though I hate to see how are interactions in the movie will be analyzed because of this preposterous rumor."

"Courtesy of your father."

"I'll have a word with him later."

"You should. People are more furious than when they cut out Tom Bombadil."

"To be fair, he added _nothing _to the plot."

"Your pseudo-relationship adds nothing to it either. You may have lost a few fangirls though."

"That's a relief," Legolas stated.

"Not so much as you think, my friend. One poor child trying pulling a Denethor by jumping off of Minas Tirith. Fortunately the guards stopped her before she could. Another one tried diving into Mount Doom and the eagles were forced to save her."

"Perhaps I should have stayed out of the movie like you did," Legolas said after a long moment.

"No, the movie is better with you," Aragorn reassured him. "Though making The Silmarillion into a trilogy might have been a better idea. For one thing, having twenty or so elves is a lot more visually appealing than thirteen dwarves."

"Gimli would resent you for that," Legolas said, smirking slightly. "Though I admit, Feanor would have made an excellent character."

"He may have stolen some of your fangirls."

"I see no problem with that."

"But Legolas, you really need to clarify this," Aragorn told him seriously. "Boromir started insisting that he have a lover as well, you know how bitter he gets about things. And Kili was under the impression _he _would be paired up with Tauriel, so he's rather upset; not that we needed any further tensions between your two races."

"Was Boromir even _born _during The Hobbit? And elf-dwarf relationships go against everything Professor Tolkien ever wrote. I do not mean to say that I am fond of the idea of being paired with Tauriel – but it is surely less blasphemous than attaching her to Kili."

"You are wrong. The people love you. Not that many care for Kili, and even less for Tauriel. Besides, Gimli did have a – _something _for Galadriel."

"This is all getting quite ridiculous," Legolas shook his head. "I fail to understand why it is such a large matter."

"You were the golden boy, the main attraction, other than Gollum. All the ignorant little girls who hadn't read the books watched the movies for you, increasing our revenues by a landslide. You also got all the good stunts…" Aragorn trailed off, a hint of bitterness entering his voice.

"There is no way you could have pulled off surfing down stairs on a shield, Aragorn –"

"I very well could have! And that oliphaunt scene was entirely overblown – "

"It was the best scene in the movie! Far better than your attempt at a _song – "_

"Don't go there, Legolas! I can start on your absolute_ uselessness _outside of battle. 'A diversion'. How did that contribute towards our conversation in the slightest?"

"At least I washed my hair –"

"At least I –" Aragorn broke off, sighing heavily. "There is no reason for _us _to bicker needlessly. She is turning us against one another."

"She has nothing to do with it," Legolas said. "I spoke wrongly. Forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive, Legolas." Aragorn smiled at him. "But what shall we do about the situation at hand. The Valar even appealed to Professor Tolkien."

"I'm well aware," Legolas said sourly. "He visited earlier and gave me a verbal thrashing regarding my character and how I am expected to act."

"There is also a matter of the Shadow," Aragorn continued.

"What shadow?"

"The anger and bitterness of the fangirls. It is spreading like a shadow darker than the black gates of Mordor, covering the lands in jealousy and despair –"

"Please stop." Legolas placed a hand on Aragorn's arm. "You trust me when I say there was nothing between us, do you not?"

"If you say it is so," Aragorn relented.

"I say it is." Legolas let go of him and headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Aragorn asked him. "And even if I believe you, what of the others?"

"I cannot deal with all of them right now. I'm going to meet Jack."

"Jack?" Aragorn looked confused for a moment, before it dawned on him. "You mean Jack Sparrow?"

"_Captain _Jack Sparrow," Legolas corrected. "And yes, him."

"Why?!"

"You saw how much damage one trailer wreaked. If I am to survive the entire movie, I will need rum. Bottles of it."

* * *

_A/N - **Though originally Jackson did say there would be no romantic connection between Legolas and Tauriel (and she would in fact be with Kili) if you watch the newest trailers, Thranduil's words to Tauriel ("Legolas is growing fond of you, do not give him hope where there is none") imply that there is a one-sided affection and Legolas does have romantic feelings for her. This is what I based this on, I am not a delusional, crazy fangirl imagining things lol. Though I am a crazy fangirl haha. **_

_I really find it hard to like Legolas/Tauriel. Call it jealousy if you will. It is probably that.** I understand and even like Tauriel's character creation - why not have a strong female character? After all, elves did exist and fight at the Battle of the Five Armies, why not give her a name and a personality. I am not against her character as a whole.** In fact, I may even end up shipping her with Legolas after a point. But right now my indignation and jealousy are overriding those thoughts._

_BUT I don't like the idea of him being paired with a non-book character (I have always despised Legolas x OC and Tauriel is kind of an OC to me at this point). I'm not bashing Tauriel, I am just bashing the ship. (And what of the rumors of Tauriel x Kili?) Legolas is one of my favorite characters of all time and I think making someone as iconic and important as him have affections for this non-book-canon random character just - I don't know how to even say it. I am not a fan. He deserves better. Moreover the fact that it's onesided annoys me even more, because Legolas is awesome and it should be the she-elves falling in love with him and him being out of their reach, not vice-versa. _

_Heck, I'd rather ship him with Aragorn even though Aragorn is with Arwen in the books. Call it double standards if you may, this is just my (admittedly childish) opinion._

_...she isn't even listed in fanfiction's character list! _

_Anyways. End rant._

_Review, my precioussss, review! Clicksss the little button, yessss? We know you wantsss to! But be nice to usss, pleasse, preciousss? We are already feeling very sad, and lonely, so lonely... gollum gollum... _


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